Journey to Me

I often look at people and wonder about the journey to the very person they are in that given moment.

My mind has been crazy spinning.  There are so many things I want to do and so many that I dream of, I take a deep breath and settle for not ever getting half of them done.

As of late, I have become a soccer mom, a ballet mom, and drill sergeant mom.  I no longer clean the sink int he bathroom, or the tub, or the dishes in the kitchen, or sweep the floor, or clean the kids' bedrooms.  I have turned that shit over to the professional mess makers.  I mean, how can I ever get my areas clean if I am constantly going back over theirs?  It's been almost two weeks, I feel less stressed.

My almost seven year old has embraced ballet and my nine year old as sucked up soccer.  I look at them and weep inside.  He will be a high schooler after the next school year, she is taking the GLAT before June 2015.  Where are my babies?

My desire for a baby comes and goes, ebbs and wanes, surges and subsides, you get the idea...lol.  I find myself snuggling the "babies" at work a little more, accepting wet kisses with a light heart and enjoying them so much more.  I can give those buggers back before 4pm, ya dig? lol

I miss my mother, my dad I barely think about, I remember him, but he's a ghost of a man because I have lived twice as long without him than I have with him.  It irks me because what I remember most, is how deeply I loved and admired him, but some days cannot recall exactly what it was I adored and admired.  Does that make sense?

Two years later and I am no more divorced than when I started out and actually more attached to this man than I would like.  Which makes no sense to anyone because, well, I live with him and more people recognize him as my kids father than don't.  It is simply a matter of, he's flighty when he's ready.

He can't keep still.  He won't tell me he loves me.  He's got babymamma issues.  He's a MAN.  Dammit, I can go on.  He's an island child at heart and I watch him yearn for the ocean, but fulfill duties that need to be fulfilled first, most of the time.

Would I want to run off to an island with him and start over, hellfukknyeah!  Then I think of the roots I've put down.  The schools I've finally settled on for my kids, my job...

This post makes no sense, it rambles, and I am so over due...eh.

New Normal

I am, restless, full of thoughts and life and love and laughter and anger and hurt and upset and ready to go boom!

People think I am fooling myself, that I am not being realistic, or I am playing around.  Love is all that there is, and all that there ever will be.  No matter how convoluted and twisted.

The love that lovers share?  The love that settled people grow when they are together and work at things?  I have backburnered that.  I have been on a steady quest to kill that.

Why?

Let's see, it's not that I don't believe there are no men out there worthy of it, that there are no men that will never fit the requirements in my head.  It's just that, things get fucked up.  The best made plans, the best made love, the best intentions, it's all subject to fuckery.

A subject that I am becoming quite the expert on, in fact.  To say I don't love or have some deep attachment to him would be a lie.  To say that I would run out and marry him in a heartbeat would be some crazy you on coke shit.  I have visions of grandeur and romance, but that's what they are, fantasies that I've never ever held on to believe they'll come true.

I've made plans, I've loved hard and I've set out to do so much, but the best laid plans get screwed, we all get screwed, something in life always pops up.  And that's what we have to inevitably look out for.