Combining

Life is all about combining.  Constantly combining reality with thought, fantasy with reality, work and play, love and lust, emotions and logic.  In some way, we are constantly combining, balancing and working things out.

And here I sit.  Mind afuddled.  All addled.  Simply because I have been up since 3am and it's currently almost 11am.  Many things have me feeling overwhelmed, I was in such a zen place yesterday and then, wide awake at 3am, mind all agog and abuzz.

I often question how I feel about this man.  About where I am now, about the man who was in my life before.  It's hard to not do so.  I remember telling him, that if I ever leave it would never be because I didn't love him, but because this could no longer work between us.  Thing is, I will always hold a degree of respect for him as the father of my kids.  I have shut down everything else.  Shut it out.

There is an underlying thing.  A spark, a burning that exists now.  Even in the dullest of moments.  Even in the mundane routine of readying kids for school, shuffling them out the door, going to work, coming home, cooking, homework, bedtime readying.  There is something comforting there.

As I sat outside this morning in the foulest of moods, a mood that he's never intimidated by, never ran away from me, and knows come with the territory, I realized so many things.  My moods worry him, scare him and he knows they pass, but they make him uncomfortable.  Simply because I can be so flat and cold.  He is not satisfied until there is a smile or hint of one.  He needs to know I am okay.

And so I combine my black mood with concern for him and give him a blush so that he knows, the one he needs is here and somewhere inside she's okay.  But this mood must work itself out.  He's a fine one to talk, he will stay up til three in the morning agitated by something but not wanting to talk.

I remember nights floating around the internet aimlessly, running away from thoughts plaguing the hell out of me, tv playing in the background drowning everything else out.

So much like me, it's worrisome and scary...can we truly combine our lives?