Rage - Maniacal

I woke up in a rage this morning.  Totally pissed.  Emotions raw.  After blowing a gasket last night and lightening my mental and emotionally load, I tucked in a rather mentally spent and emotionally unavailable soul last night.

We slept.  And I reached for him this morning to cuddle/snuggle/be close, because I don't ever withhold affection when we argue, because I have learned that causes more damage.  And we spoke with out words.  His arm slid around my back and he sighed back in sleep.  I dozed off.  There is no other feeling in knowing that despite differences, we can still connect.  Often we learn to shut the other person off and then wonder why they react the way they do.

This morning.  I caved in.  No words to describe it.  I fell apart.  Indescribable rage boiled in me as my kids, my only reason left to live, ran against the morning routine in everyway possible and the only way I could deal was to run out the house and take a brisk walk around the block.  Come back, and they were still not ready and completely distracted.  I often wonder if I expect too much of them, but then again, other mornings, there are no problems.

I announced to the sleeping body, I am not going to work, I am not carrying the kids to school.  Tell the older one to walk the younger one to school.  I. Don't. Care.  What. Ever.

There are beer bottles in the back yard.  Brought by the ex, they are supposed to go to the bottle return center in exchange for 5c per bottle.   They've been there over six months.  You need proper boxes and what not, and getting boxes has been almost impossible with everyone and they mama collecting as well.  Ah well, operation clean-up commenced.  I began to fling them with an almost demonic force in my body, raging, fiery and irate.  And got a thrill with every bottle that broke on the concrete ground.  He heard the noise and nearly came through the kitchen door like Cookie Monster goes through the walls on Sesame Street.

He grabbed me in a bear grip and I screamed.  And screamed.  I wouldn't move, wouldn't give in to his desire to carry me inside.  Here is a man, whose instinct is to protect and care, and I rebelled against that.  With a "Fuck you" I wrenched out and slammed my head against the satellite pole.  I burst in to tears.  And he held me.  Words rushed between us without ever reaching the air and I told him "No".  Let me continue to break the bottles until they are all gone.  Let me do what I want because I am tired of being responsible Kera, sensible in charge Kera, that holds it all together and smiles all the while.

It took a while, but I had to give up, he's physically stronger than me, he managed to drag me to the kitchen door, after I flung my sunglasses across the ground.  He got them and me inside.  I reiterated that the kids won't be going to school, and to call my boss.  Eventually, my son was sent, simply because he always walked, but my daughter was tearful.  Miss school?  Is you crazy?  She was so hurt. (He ended up carrying her, but an hour after everything started to calm down. lol)

I grabbed a bag of chips, the rest of the bacardi in the half pint bottle and some kool-aid.  Breakfast of CHAMPIONS, bulla!  I had called a close girlfriend and asked her if she wanted to shoot the breeze with me today.  We talked and she tried to reason me out, she talked to him and they tried to cmoe up with a plan.  By this time, the bacardi was acting.  I told them both to back off.  They couldn't understand why I decided to snap now, how could I be the encouraging voice to both of them to hold tight, but here I am, seams loose.

Basically, my ability to give a f--k disappeared this morning.  My house is unfinished, bills are high and piling, money is not coming in to cover them, and life just feels like a shambles.  When I was told to remember the kids I kept saying I was holding on for, I announced, "Ah yes, a son who will turn out like his uncle, and a daughter who will turn out like her aunt!  Yes, people, THIS, THIS, is what I live for.  I forgot."  Insert sarcastic sneer here.  Well, my life passed before my eyes, because the rage that boiled in him became evident as he tightened his grip on my arms and swore he will never hear me talk like that again.

So here, I lay, across the bed.  Not liking stuff on fb so as not to be detected.  Wondering how to deal with this, because, I lied to my boss.  And now I feel guilty because the housekeeper who I usually help do her work, will have to work alone and watch the baby.  Yet, I cannot get myself to move.  I have vacation coming up on the 25th, yet I am still unmoved.  Another day I would have accepted the title ungrateful, today, no.  I am beyond frustrated.  I am beyond feeling right now.

Things came out from him I knew, but it sounded different coming from him.  The way he's holding on to his sanity in order to preserve mine.  The way he's pushing feelings and hurt and frustrations down in order to take care of us and be there and here I am, losing it.  I told him to let go and come for the ride, lose it, he'll feel better.  But I know better, his rage is uncontainable and many are bound to get hurt physically if he lets loose.

I am exhausted...

Stupid

I am beginning to think that he is stupid.  Or I am. Somebody is.

After clearing my mind this morning and informing him of his sucky communication skills.  He goes and does it again.  Disappears to go one place, and apparently lands in another.  Doesn't text or call.

Hmmmm.  I did articulate as best as my limited high school education would let me, in small enough words that my sarcastic inner bitch could muster up, as calmly as a woman on the verge of slicing your neck open without warning.  And apparently, I made the mistake of thinking I was understood.

How wrong was I...

So back to the debate, who's the stupid one?

Tidal Wave

It came in a surge.  An odd mix of emotions, thoughts, fears, wants, needs, just a ball of ohgoodnessisthisreallyhappeningandamireadyforthis?

I miss talking to my mummy.  And I have had frantic dreams about her recently.  I know what she would say about part of it.  But that's not what I want to talk to her about.  I just miss talking to her about daily life.  Conversations with others are great, but not the same.

Sometimes just to hear her say she's proud of me would be filling a hole in the recesses of my soul.  It gets me down some days.  And to know Mrs. Ferguson is gone too...

I digress...

He came loaded down.  Bearing his belongings, cherished things being picked at by young vultures with no respect for themselves, much less others.  And they are here.  Along with mine.

And tonight he brought more.  I felt this fusing, for awhile.  There's still an awkwardness within me.  Things we are discovering daily about each other, but nothing that has yet driven us off the path to be together.

I am healing, this is the number one thing my friends have worried about.  Healing.  Time.  Doing me.  It's happening.  Maybe not the way I planned it out last August, but it's happening.  And there are realizations knocking the wind out of me some days...hmph.  Amazing.

There are scars.  We all have scars.  We all have baggage.  We are all compilations of experiences, reactions and thoughts.  Despite mine, I am a sucker for love.  I am a sucker for settled life and contentment.  And this is where I have been burned.  Severely.  As well as in "religion".

I started a quest some time ago, delving into "other" or "lost" books of the Bible.  I was curious.  Curiosity - not satisfied.  There are more questions.  Religion, in and of itself no longer interests me.  The constant failure and imperfect nature of man has done me in.  And mainly because, all religion, and spirituality and moral and ethical teachings are things passed down through man.

My belief in God is not lost.  But it has changed.  My outlook has changed.  And here I am shacked up yet again...right?  I am not acting out.  And one does not like to be "involved" with another while papers still float around stating we belong to well, you know, other people.  I just feel like I stand in a weird spot these days.  With two kids watching my every move.

This man has invaded my life.  He's here, I am laughing, but we are not without our dramas.  There is so much to sort out around the fact of us having a strong connection.  I never thought it could be this crazy.

And yet again, another entry and I am unable to explain what is in my head.