Tidal Wave

It came in a surge.  An odd mix of emotions, thoughts, fears, wants, needs, just a ball of ohgoodnessisthisreallyhappeningandamireadyforthis?

I miss talking to my mummy.  And I have had frantic dreams about her recently.  I know what she would say about part of it.  But that's not what I want to talk to her about.  I just miss talking to her about daily life.  Conversations with others are great, but not the same.

Sometimes just to hear her say she's proud of me would be filling a hole in the recesses of my soul.  It gets me down some days.  And to know Mrs. Ferguson is gone too...

I digress...

He came loaded down.  Bearing his belongings, cherished things being picked at by young vultures with no respect for themselves, much less others.  And they are here.  Along with mine.

And tonight he brought more.  I felt this fusing, for awhile.  There's still an awkwardness within me.  Things we are discovering daily about each other, but nothing that has yet driven us off the path to be together.

I am healing, this is the number one thing my friends have worried about.  Healing.  Time.  Doing me.  It's happening.  Maybe not the way I planned it out last August, but it's happening.  And there are realizations knocking the wind out of me some days...hmph.  Amazing.

There are scars.  We all have scars.  We all have baggage.  We are all compilations of experiences, reactions and thoughts.  Despite mine, I am a sucker for love.  I am a sucker for settled life and contentment.  And this is where I have been burned.  Severely.  As well as in "religion".

I started a quest some time ago, delving into "other" or "lost" books of the Bible.  I was curious.  Curiosity - not satisfied.  There are more questions.  Religion, in and of itself no longer interests me.  The constant failure and imperfect nature of man has done me in.  And mainly because, all religion, and spirituality and moral and ethical teachings are things passed down through man.

My belief in God is not lost.  But it has changed.  My outlook has changed.  And here I am shacked up yet again...right?  I am not acting out.  And one does not like to be "involved" with another while papers still float around stating we belong to well, you know, other people.  I just feel like I stand in a weird spot these days.  With two kids watching my every move.

This man has invaded my life.  He's here, I am laughing, but we are not without our dramas.  There is so much to sort out around the fact of us having a strong connection.  I never thought it could be this crazy.

And yet again, another entry and I am unable to explain what is in my head.