I don't actually...not anymore.

I have had some head spinning epiphanies lately.

One of them being that I no longer believe in love.  Not the way I used to.  I don't believe in the guy that will come along and make it all okay.  That one who will see a future together and make things work.

I move along in this relationship, clearly in love.  The rose glasses have worn away to clear lenses and we both move along loving each other, but the fiercest guards up anyone has ever seen.

The expectations I once I had, no longer exist.  He speaks of the future, he's very settled.  He's calm and cool and quiet and strong about 'us'.  But not enough to ever consider getting married.  I've never mentioned it to him concerning us, but I've said more than once I'd never get married again.  And it's something he's spoken of not doing, repeatedly.

Just two nights ago, listening to a comedian's performance, he made me listen to something that caught his attention. The comedian was talking about answering his daughter's question about her being a bastard, "Now, Boogey, you know I love your mother too much to marry her."  Crowd makes noise, "What?! You don't know me!"  He goes on to to address the crowd.  "Her mother and I are going to be together for always.  Always in love.  Always loyal.  And do you know why?  Because we're not married, that's why! We're like soulmates on permanent booty call."

When he pointed out this particular part to me, when he replayed it so I could hear it, I knew he was just reiterating what we had already sorta kinda talked about.

I miss certain things about marriage.  And then I don't.  I miss the so called security and realized, hey.  That shit was destroyed by a man who did what he wanted anyway despite being married.

I don't respect the paper anymore.  I don't understand it anymore.  It's harder to get it undone than it is to get it done.  It's strange how the government must get in my bed and and determine the deal.  And then when I want to be in my bed alone, there are so many things int he way and so much difficulty, it's daggone crazy.

Apparently, I am now one of those that believe the paper doesn't determine the love, the loyalty, the trust, the security, dependence, reliability.  Just because you stand in front of my family and friends, and get this - GOD - doesn't mean that you will uphold your end of the bargain.  I know my shortcomings and blatant imperfections, I know the struggle within with what's "right and wrong", so knowing that in another human being, where the hell do I get off expecting the follow through of these promises?

I can no longer find comfort in expectations and hopes.  Is this relationship going along without a plan?  Maybe.  I don't know.  Kids are getting older, attachments are growing deeper.  I am careful with this.  There have been changes and what not.  But, eh.

Friends of mine are getting married, and I am truly happy from my toes to my dreadlock tips for them.  I admire what they've found and the lives they are building.  But it's not something I envisioning myself doing again...relationship experiences, not just mine, make me realize so much.  And I refuse to go there to that point again...