Blah blah blah.
I have been irresponsible. For the past three months I have ignored the level headed voice in my head.
Words fail me. Money has been an issue ever since I was eleven. Constant juggling. Sacrificing. Fighting. Going without. Lacking. Needing. Wanting. And never once hating...just sucking it all up. Like a good little girl. It wasn't my fault, or anyone's.
Maybe it has caused the internal rebellion in me now. I had savings, shit happened, marriage severance, bills, two additional.mouths to mine to feed etc, that sorta shit. But, the struggle to put that savings back has kicked me down. After losing cash to the bank they cannot explain...i stopped the deposits.
Cash in hand is not my friend. Cause I also found 'necessities' for that cash. Or plain ol' lazy moments, too tired to cook? Ok, cool!
I had worked so hard to break the bad financial habits and attitudes. And here I sit. Thinking money is the most stupidest concept ever.
The day revolves around it. The morning commute, the daily grind, the hustle. I just want to enjoy the day sometimes without wondering how much money is in my pocket, the bank, kids' piggy banks, their accounts, the car ashtray, our quarter jar or penny cup. Am I juggling it all, am I being responsible, am I being 'mature'?
Who knows and why do I even care...?