Stupid

I am talking to a friend online today and he's been fired up a while.  He's found THE ONE.  And he's making it happen.  He's going to ask her to marry him on her birthday. He's making plans to fly over this weekend to spend time with her.

I am happy for him, he's had some bad breaks, and finally it's clicking and working and this one has sense.  But I digress.

In my feed another friend announces he has popped the question and his girlfriend has said yes.  And she's all over his wall being happy.

And I ached. I fucking ached.  And I was like wtf?  Where did THAT come from.  Jealous?  Seriously?  Woman, you have a whole eleven years of marriage under your belt?  What is wrong with you?  And where did this come from?

People have gotten married since you've been married, been proposed to.  Gather yourself together.  Shake it off.

Somehow that shit hurt.  And I don't know why.

I was at Junkanoo.  And his mother passed me.  I felt a quick tinge, and knocked it off, his sister was with her.  I am not up to in-laws.  I saw her and the typical part of me that says how come his mother doesn't know about me got angry.  The don't give a shit part of me said, I don't have energy.

And I don't know what this is.  I want to heal up from this past mess and I want surety that I am not wasting my time with this new endeavour.  I want to know that, this awkward weirdness that is us, is just us and not me being edgy.

I am worried about the end before it begins properly.  My mind just races that way...