Out...In...

The year is ending, another year without.  That is typically how I would look at it. A year without my mother, grandmother, godmother, pastor, brother...without the familial feel.

But, I sit alone tonight, and though I lamented it at first, I had time to think.  I walked through my house.  And smiled.  In its current tumbled up state, I doubt anyone would see what I see.  I see the space where I grew up, I see blood, sweat and tears of a man determined to take care of his, and I see generational property.  I see a house that, just like me, my children know nothing but.

I see the first day home from the hospital, their crawling, climbing, walking, laughing, loving, I see their living.  And that is what we are doing.  Living.  Amidst the renovations, amidst the trenches in the floor, the sinkless bathroom, and disconnected kitchen, we are living.

My children lay asleep.  My angst ridden son who flipflops between intense love for my boyfriend, (yes I said it outloud, lol) and intense dislike of his presence.  My daughter, who is as jaunty as the breeze swinging through this window near me.  Her life has been a replacement game of sorts.  I hope she is okay.

I sit in my bed, laptop on knees, various tabs in windows open.  Representative of my mind, nothing related to the other but somehow all connected in my wrecked mind.

There is no longer an intense need to hold on to so many things I once did so tightly.  There will always been an ache for family, I grew up that way.  But, there is no need to grasp on to things that jeopardize all that I am and stand for.  And lately I have been questioning where I stand, on what and why.

I embark on so many new things this year. My contract for work will end this year, and I must have something else lined up to take its place.  My son needs to change schools, and it hangs in the balance of my financial prowess to make it happen.  My daughter is making crazy strides in all that she does that it scares me.  And in the fine realm of love, I find myself more capable.  More articulate, more abrupt, more understanding, less tolerant yet more so, patient and aware.

It is hard to say it out loud.  Hard to describe what love between best friends (of the opp. sex) can be like.  There is a comfort level, a sort of security, there are relationship issues of course, but there is a cord of understanding that never needs words.

My kids are my world, that is firmly entrenched, and I do what I can to anchor them.  It's overwhelming to do it on my own, overwhelming to think that I may get this wrong...so overwhelming, but I'm good.