Ugly before it's beautiful?

8 december

Wide awake.  Agitated.  This mind of mind never seems to truly sleep.  I was so centered.  And then I wasn't.

I was working so hard on being and staying calm and preparing myself for what may come or may be.  I can always feel something coming.  There are hints, changes in the electrical current around me and I get edgy.

I promised myself I would never question who I am or what I believe.  I mean it's only natural to do so periodically.  But the way we do in teenage angst, I promised to never do again.  And yet, this whole thing blew my mind.  It wasn't the actual situation, it was the handling of it.

The whole typicalness of it all.  The whole just-like-everybody-else-ness of it all just hurt.  Here, I was thinking this a different experience and I am slammed out of left field.  It throws everything into a whirlwind and forces me to question it all from the break.

What else have I been lied to about?  What else?  Is this going to be a common occurrence.  Will I ever get what it is I have been truly looking for?  Am I expecting too much, am I out on a limb and it's about to fall?

I cannot believe I am here.  I cannot believe once again I am unsettled and insecure.  I am feeling screwy.  And the conversation with a male who I was surprised to find out isn't faithful to mother of his children, blew me threw the roof.  Seriously, the whole, that's man and it will never change thing?  The man tells me that men aren't as strong as women, and I had flashbacks of conversations with my ex husband.  Where he constantly said their resolve isn't as strong as ours.  That once we've decided something, we shut stuff down, but a man has a hard time.

My whole thing boils down to one thing.  Love. In my head, in my soul, it can conquer anything.  But after the marriage experience, that belief has been knocked down one notch.  There are some things it can COVER, but certainly not CONQUER.

Hearts are a resourceful thing, bouncing back from so much.  Repairing itself, renewing itself, like an endless source of expansive love.  But there are days where I wonder if it's all worth it.  If the crapshoot is worth the gamble and the risk.

Thing is, I have stood there.  In that exact same spot that says, "What to do?"  "How did I get here?" "What if I am found out?"

I don't get to be judge and jury. I don't get to stand on the horse's back and waggle my finger.  And it's not that simple as to what it is going on in my head.