At this point, I am beyond feeling. There are a few things that make me respond and act human, I am a perfunctory mess.
If I don't vent this out to the air, I will surely implode. I am just annoyed beyond words.
I have had a crush since I was a young teen. Something I thought I would outgrow. And didn't know I hadn't until 2007. Then it blew wide open in the past few months. Aggravating. Because this person is someone I know that I will never tell.
We click on so many things and agree and understand so many things. Finish each other sentences in chat, but I refuse to go there. Because it has become one precious thing to me I cannot lose and if it means having these feelings from afar? Then so be it. But I do know, that when he finally finds the one he is looking for, it won't go well with me. But, I will never speak.
When it emerged in 2007, I was pregnant, and I saw him after having not seen him in a few years. And I was surprised at my reaction in my head. I was pregnant, and married. What the hell? I figured it was the rush of an innocent crush with remnants of having gone along in life having not seen him in a very very long time.
And then, the last setting I saw him, I had no reaction and I thought I was fine.
Then the chatting, incessantly, crazily starts. I know he's social. And I pretty much have no problem since I have grown up in and out the family's house. Talking to any of them, has never been something to think about. It just is, like one of my siblings. But this, this is not sibling attraction. And I have initiated a conversation with him maybe twice out of the many we've had.
This is something raw, free, simple, unexplained and nice. No fuss, no trepidation, intimidation, worries, free speech, unbridled, and in a way pure. I can free my mind in a way that I never expected to. And it's unnerving. And making things worse.
So, I sit online praying he doesn't talk to me. Which is the exact opposite that would be expected. It's gotten that bad.
Aside from all that's going on in my life, that one thing, is there, it's sure and I guard it viciously. I don't want to change the ability to talk to him freely by blurting out how I feel and then being "let down gently". Because no matter how "gentle", it's a rejection. And that fear keeps my giddy ass in check...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCT4wRJhPlw
