Eleuthera - It is a sunny isle...

We are here.  We have been here five days...and counting.  It has been a big year for members of my family.  My mom's baby brother and his wife, my aunt, just dropped their oldest son off in Arkansas.  My mom's big sister, just dropped her baby boy off to college, now her and her husband's nest is empty, all three kids are off.

My brother's oldest daughter has gone to Canada to study hospitality.  His second daughter graduated with her bachelor's, his oldest son finished high school, second son graduated junior high and third son graduated primary school. It indeed has been a year.

Us? Well. Nothing major. I gave my playgroup to someone who needed it, gave in my last month's notice to my landlord, packed up a mountain of grocery, bought a car the day before our boat was leaving, packed up my sewing machine, microwave, all of our clothing, spices and condiments, rollerblades, scooter and skateboard, uprooted my family and moved to Eleuthera.  Deep Creek, in south Eleuthera.

July is a blur.  This is why I have chats to refer to, facebook statuses - these things are reminders of my thoughts in andfeelings in those moments because, in all honesty, sifting through stuff from my house that's for sale, and packing up the apartment I moved into a year ago - left me no time or energy for my handwritten journal.

I have now just begun to truly sleep.  Every night, I succumb to exhaustion that has built up over the past six weeks.  Papers scribbled all over with plans, ideas, reminders, input from friends, contacts to connect with, and I could go on.  This execution was not without fear, without nervousness and a million whatifs.  One thing it was without was, hesitation.  I plotted my goal, and had to rearrange the path to get there.

During the process, the kids had to attend their summer programmes, be fed, clothes laundered, battles refereed, and sent to bed when I just couldn't take any bloody more!

Last night, a dear friend listed off all of the things I accomplished in the last two years, she told me I had been going hard for the past two years and that it was quite time to sit back and take a deep breath and just enjoy being here and relax.  Work will come, life will continue to open up for us.  I heard what she said and reminded her that every moment that I don't make a dollar I am also closer to owing rent for this new place, light and water as well as my son's school fee.  I am making connections and friends and learning the lay of the land in the meantime.

However, the reality of what I just did is settling in, as the adrenaline is wearing off...the atmosphere down here is amazing and I do not miss where we came from at all.  I didn't miss the area we lived in before I moved to our apartment, and now, I do not miss where we just left.  I know that there are people wherever I go, and negative energy is existent in many places.  But, the supercharging we all feel in this less city charged place - words can never do it justice.

Lutra

I handed over my playgroup today, officially.  I knew it was gonna suck, just not how badly it would.  Faced with the actuality of a move that would make me more independent, and just handing it over.

This whole process of sloughing off dead weight, some days are marvelous, some are just downright, gimme some wine and lemme go to bed.

There was a "meeting", I don't know why we call them that, we are soooo informal, lol.  But we met at the house we often meet at, then headed over to the new space.  The space I was supposed to move into with my group, the space that it took three years to find and finally not be in someone's actual house.  This space, that is so lovely and I now must watch the landlord hand the key over - but not to me...

Hugs aplenty, and I needed every blessed one.  The joy I felt for my "replacement" was there, it truly was, it was just muffled by the screams of "What the fuck are you doing, where are you going?" It all felt so right and so upsetting at the same time.

Learning her back story later on though, that brought me to tears.  And it all made this whole thing so perfect.  The timing and the need.  Just as this playgroup "fell into my lap", it is now falling into hers.  And as one single mother to another, it couldn't have felt better.  It was a moment that reminded me, that as my heart was grieving a loss in a sense, and my head was saying this is right, my soul, sixth sense or intuition or whatever felt even more strongly I had to do this, meet her, see the place - "give her my blessing" - and now I don't regret it.  The alignment is just crazy.

It doesn't make my actual leap any easier, in a way.  I feel good that all on this side is taken care of in that regard, my babies that I have bonded with are secured. It is when I actually think about the leap, that my stomach knots up harshly and my mouth goes dry and I feel that panic.  But, every time I have felt panic, every time I have felt that fear - I have done it anyway and never regretted it...