Night 1

After some tumultuous time.  An agonizing teeth pulling conversation.  Screaming matches at least twice a week.  Here I sit.  Alone.

Feels odd. I have decided to blog tonight to capture my mindset now in comparison to when he comes back.

I thought I was looking forward to him being gone and me having a moment to assess where we're at.  A moment to absorb the phone call from exC and analyze my feelings for currentC. The impact of his absence hit me like a ton of wet faeces.  A sick, disgusting, suffocating feeling engulfs me.  What does this mean?

*Shrug*  Who knows.  All I know is, this feeling for him hit me harder than expected which confirms my suspicion that I am not ready to walk away from him.  Tonight is about raw emotion and thoughts emitting from my pores.  Things I dare not say out loud. Even the fact that I am having the craziest panic attack.  Do the long distance thing?  HA!

I needed the conversation yesterday to reconfirm where I stand and who I am to him.  I needed verbal security.  Because to him, your word is serious.  He's not perfect, and eight times out of ten, I will watch him squirm and dodge me than lie to me.  Which is why I am so point blank with him.  Because he knows it will be filed away for reminder purposes later.  And thus, he shut down just when I was getting to the sweet part that I needed.  I left it.  I had to give him props for opening up to me for such a long time, and in such an impromptu way.  I never judged, never squirmed, I remained quiet and even cavalier.  This coaxed him on.  Because I didn't finger wag and make him feel small or stupid.  And I needed that to be my m.o. in order to get where I was headed.

My thoughts have consistently flipped back and forth all day and night.  I cannot even begin to tap into it properly...

I am a gut wrenching wreck waiting on his phone call to say he arrived safe.  And anxiety gone to bed...smt.

Exchange

When I look at people, I often look past what the eye can see.  Especially after a conversation.

The other day it rang clear and pure in my heart, that I tend to look at a person's potential, I see the way their mind CAN work, things they may be good at, and I let this be my guide into whatever relationship may occur.  Friendships, or otherwise.

I looked past so much with exC, simply because I knew his raw, unfullytapped potential.  I did what most wives do, put herself on the line to nurture and love this being into blossoming, hoping the favour would be returned.  All I did, was, hmmm, succeed in neglecting myself. (And that's another blogpost - here I am, at 32, degree-less, inexperienced and totally unhirable - ugh.)

Today, I sat and pulled from current C.  It was hard.  And annoying.  And just ugh.  On the surface, most would run away.  Most would just think even less than they were thinking before.  In learning not to judge, I have also learned not to knee-jerk react.  I swallowed my quick temper and nudged information out of him that I needed in order to figure out where I am now.

His past is one of typical rowdiness.  Well, let me first explain.  In my house, when the door closes, what I have before me, sigh, is not a rowdy gangster with raw ghetto ways and loose code of conduct.  I have a man that makes me feel special.  A man that adores my kids.  Someone who makes me feel protected in several ways.  A mind that works so near the way mine works I can finish his sentences.

But when I step out of that cocoon and face the harshness of HIS reality, I get anxious.  Today's conversation revealed truths I have to take a minute to assimilate.  Things I knew, and finally got confirmed.

He's expressed himself in ways that are unacceptable.  I won't make excuses, but there are reasons that I understand where he is coming from.  And I demand from him, maturity and respect now, that I didn't put my foot down and command then. 

I cannot clear my head enough to finish this.  I know what I want to say, but I cannot get it out.

Fragments

That's all left of my mind, my heart and my spirit.

Tossing and Turning

I went to the ex's sister's house yesterday.  Awkward mess for me.  I felt like I was on the outside looking in.  Two of his nieces, well one spoke, the other disregarded my existence.  I played catchup with one of his other sisters.  Then kept to myself outside.

Last Monday it was a birthday party for the same sister's grandson.  There's still a smoothness with a few of them.  But it doesn't quiet the rage I have inside for having to sit and "pretend" I am okay being around them.  My thoughts flickered about how he would've been if he'd been there, and how he's missing out on his kids growing so quickly.

Couldn't I have just dropped them off and had some time to myself?  This elusive alone time that every mother needs?