Exchange

When I look at people, I often look past what the eye can see.  Especially after a conversation.

The other day it rang clear and pure in my heart, that I tend to look at a person's potential, I see the way their mind CAN work, things they may be good at, and I let this be my guide into whatever relationship may occur.  Friendships, or otherwise.

I looked past so much with exC, simply because I knew his raw, unfullytapped potential.  I did what most wives do, put herself on the line to nurture and love this being into blossoming, hoping the favour would be returned.  All I did, was, hmmm, succeed in neglecting myself. (And that's another blogpost - here I am, at 32, degree-less, inexperienced and totally unhirable - ugh.)

Today, I sat and pulled from current C.  It was hard.  And annoying.  And just ugh.  On the surface, most would run away.  Most would just think even less than they were thinking before.  In learning not to judge, I have also learned not to knee-jerk react.  I swallowed my quick temper and nudged information out of him that I needed in order to figure out where I am now.

His past is one of typical rowdiness.  Well, let me first explain.  In my house, when the door closes, what I have before me, sigh, is not a rowdy gangster with raw ghetto ways and loose code of conduct.  I have a man that makes me feel special.  A man that adores my kids.  Someone who makes me feel protected in several ways.  A mind that works so near the way mine works I can finish his sentences.

But when I step out of that cocoon and face the harshness of HIS reality, I get anxious.  Today's conversation revealed truths I have to take a minute to assimilate.  Things I knew, and finally got confirmed.

He's expressed himself in ways that are unacceptable.  I won't make excuses, but there are reasons that I understand where he is coming from.  And I demand from him, maturity and respect now, that I didn't put my foot down and command then. 

I cannot clear my head enough to finish this.  I know what I want to say, but I cannot get it out.