So. Haven't blogged in over a month.
Things have been, well, things. Not much has changed, and yet a lot has happened.
Got tatted yesterday. Interesting experience. Held my ground, got complimented by the artist for being tough. I have pictures of my face that tell a slightly different tale. But there were no tears, no screaming, no bolting for the door.
I am disappointed. My efficiency sits unfinished. It sits echoing. Hollow. Bits and pieces done. Not much left TO do and yet, undone. I am past annoyed.
My stomach twirls and flips and whirls as I think of embarking on my own venture. Of making the classroom I found plans for that I drew when I was nineteen. I found them clearing out this very house I now "own". I teared up. Is now the time? Is finding this a coincidence?
Lately, everywhere I turn, there's talk of taking hold of who you are. Of owning your fear. Of capitalizing on your own abilities and to stop "giving" away to those manipulating and taking advantage in their own way. What is the difference between someone who "has it made" and someone who "wants to make it"? I understand the whole taking shitty jobs until you can get to where you want to build your own. I get that having financial commitments affect the way you can maneuver but quite frankly - when is the time ever going to be JUST RIGHT?
I have something sitting right here, I made my plans to return to school. Do I waffle on this, or do I grab it and run. I have just reread the Richest Man in Babylon and one of the words of advice is to grab wise opportunities. That moments that come along may not come along again and things around you may be telling you that now is the time to run with it.
Stagnant. Just raw and stagnant. Bogged down and tearful. The thought of another trapped situation where I am someone's "go-to" or "right-hand" or dependent on THEIR pocketbook to line my pocketbook, in a situation where THEY dictate to me? Ugh. I can't stand it. I know it's one thing to feel mentally ready, emotionally ready to grab this bull by the 'nads, but am I really really really capable and ready?
