Blah blah blah.
I have been irresponsible. For the past three months I have ignored the level headed voice in my head.
Words fail me. Money has been an issue ever since I was eleven. Constant juggling. Sacrificing. Fighting. Going without. Lacking. Needing. Wanting. And never once hating...just sucking it all up. Like a good little girl. It wasn't my fault, or anyone's.
Maybe it has caused the internal rebellion in me now. I had savings, shit happened, marriage severance, bills, two additional.mouths to mine to feed etc, that sorta shit. But, the struggle to put that savings back has kicked me down. After losing cash to the bank they cannot explain...i stopped the deposits.
Cash in hand is not my friend. Cause I also found 'necessities' for that cash. Or plain ol' lazy moments, too tired to cook? Ok, cool!
I had worked so hard to break the bad financial habits and attitudes. And here I sit. Thinking money is the most stupidest concept ever.
The day revolves around it. The morning commute, the daily grind, the hustle. I just want to enjoy the day sometimes without wondering how much money is in my pocket, the bank, kids' piggy banks, their accounts, the car ashtray, our quarter jar or penny cup. Am I juggling it all, am I being responsible, am I being 'mature'?
Who knows and why do I even care...?
Friday, May 22, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
Is It All in My Head?
My latest rebellion has been going around shoeless. Barefoot and unapologetic.
I am sick of the day to day 'norm'. Sick of hiding my tattoos and being politically correct. Sick of 'the grind', the hustle.
Tired of hiding bits of myself. Not speaking out of turn when the 'spiritual' and 'deeply religious' get to talking. Cause I don't wanna offend. Not acknowledging my affinity for beer, when around same said folk.
Tired of tucking the bit away that cusses like a hungry sailor. That likes to hang with the boys and have the most raunchy, make my ma roll and blush conversations.
Some days putting my best foot forward is a pain in my got damn ass and i just wanna say frig this shit and carry on.
I don't want to hear wedding bell suggestions, baby questions or be interrogated about my 'shacking up'.
I am irreverent sometimes and loud. Other times I am held back and reserved. Completely moody and about to become unapologetic.
Everyone else walking around being themselves and i am tiptoeing around being po-lit.
My mother thought she was going crazy when she was around 32 - 34. And guess what, here I am, smack at 34 and feeling the same way. She didn't make the changes or step out the way she wanted. She was forced to when my dad died.
How am I being forced? By being stripped of those strong souls that loved me. They died. One by one. Then looking at my kids and knowing they need more, I stripped myself of their father. Time goes on and I am in love with a man who speaks of times people have turned away from him or didn't get him or seemed embarrassed by him.
He's unapologetically himself. And when he gets overwhelming for me, I check him or walk away. We've become sorta symbiotic in that regard.
He understands my 'hiding' and never forces me beyond certain things.
But, as I walk around barefoot with my once purple hair, I realize more and more, I don't give a fart, no, fuck. I no longer give a fuck.
And shit is about to get real.
I am sick of the day to day 'norm'. Sick of hiding my tattoos and being politically correct. Sick of 'the grind', the hustle.
Tired of hiding bits of myself. Not speaking out of turn when the 'spiritual' and 'deeply religious' get to talking. Cause I don't wanna offend. Not acknowledging my affinity for beer, when around same said folk.
Tired of tucking the bit away that cusses like a hungry sailor. That likes to hang with the boys and have the most raunchy, make my ma roll and blush conversations.
Some days putting my best foot forward is a pain in my got damn ass and i just wanna say frig this shit and carry on.
I don't want to hear wedding bell suggestions, baby questions or be interrogated about my 'shacking up'.
I am irreverent sometimes and loud. Other times I am held back and reserved. Completely moody and about to become unapologetic.
Everyone else walking around being themselves and i am tiptoeing around being po-lit.
My mother thought she was going crazy when she was around 32 - 34. And guess what, here I am, smack at 34 and feeling the same way. She didn't make the changes or step out the way she wanted. She was forced to when my dad died.
How am I being forced? By being stripped of those strong souls that loved me. They died. One by one. Then looking at my kids and knowing they need more, I stripped myself of their father. Time goes on and I am in love with a man who speaks of times people have turned away from him or didn't get him or seemed embarrassed by him.
He's unapologetically himself. And when he gets overwhelming for me, I check him or walk away. We've become sorta symbiotic in that regard.
He understands my 'hiding' and never forces me beyond certain things.
But, as I walk around barefoot with my once purple hair, I realize more and more, I don't give a fart, no, fuck. I no longer give a fuck.
And shit is about to get real.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
For Sale
So, 'gender roles' have been on my mind a lot. I never really thought this deeply about them until this relationship. This man has made me truly truly think and realize what women are asking for when we scream for equality.
However, what I like too, is that he has his biases as well. He has a few gender role hangups, and he's quite the macho man stepping in to protect me at all costs.
What makes me bristle, is the whole manprovider role and wife caretaker role vs equal providers or womanprovider and mancaretaker scenario a few friends will bring up.
I have control issues. Severe control issues, esp since my marriage crumbled and I did my best to make that work. What didn't I do or try? And to a degree, we had 'traditional' roles. He worked, I was housewife. He met me working, and I became a mom while I was working. And then I became a stay at home mom.
Depending on him for money came hard. And eventually, I settled down and made myself make it work. I always looked for ways to make my own. Avon, slushes from home, opening a store, always something. Because I was used to being able to have my own. And being raised by a single supermom must have had more of an effect on me than I realized.
When I left that man, I had $50 a week coming in after the mortgage. Not many knew. I had helping hands. And that's one thing I am eternally grateful for, constant helping hands in different forms, and a few steadfast ones I can bet my life on.
This made my approach completely different in my next relationship. I wouldn't ask him for a shit. I would be hard down and out and never told him. A few friends were like, surprised. Attitude being, "Ain no man ga beat this up and don't get up off no cash." Seriously.
And i couldn't think that way. I tried. Sex is seen as some thing that women use as a manipulation tool. And there's always a hubbub about men being men and so macho that, apparently, as receivers we must be 'paid' and as givers they must 'pay'. Well, I get the whole treasuring myself. I truly do. But putting a dollar value on the 'treasure' seems to lessen the treasure...
Anyhow, in this relationship, I have been more independent and aggressive. I've only begun to ask for things, well, money, in the past year with no hesitancy or fear. But, common sense would say, if I am working more stable, and making more, I would foot more of the bills.
There's more for consideration though that screams double standard. He's more present with the kids. The school and ballet studio staff know him, not me. When a woman is in this role, it is ok for it to be expected that the man will take care of her, esp if she's not working or making as much. Reverse roles and we have women shrieking about men being punks and women encouraging that shit.
The scream for equality covers sex and home roles. You can't have double standards or be selective about what you want equal rights to.
Hell, if a man throws it down, and damn good, how many women are willing to 'pay' for it? If he's daddy of the year, and to kids that aren't biologically his, why is there a problem?
I know of blended families where money flows both ways and there is no fight. Gender roles aren't really 'defined' and it all works. Then there are confused chicas, screaming how they can hold it down, but pissed when a man who's interested doesn't jump to help or get that deeply involved. Or, the minute bodily fluids are exchanged, money is expected.
I see why men are baffled by us, I see why they sometimes are so stink to us and fewer and fewer want to go further than a casual roll or two.
Every woman should be able to stand on her own without a man. Emotionally and financially.
However, what I like too, is that he has his biases as well. He has a few gender role hangups, and he's quite the macho man stepping in to protect me at all costs.
What makes me bristle, is the whole manprovider role and wife caretaker role vs equal providers or womanprovider and mancaretaker scenario a few friends will bring up.
I have control issues. Severe control issues, esp since my marriage crumbled and I did my best to make that work. What didn't I do or try? And to a degree, we had 'traditional' roles. He worked, I was housewife. He met me working, and I became a mom while I was working. And then I became a stay at home mom.
Depending on him for money came hard. And eventually, I settled down and made myself make it work. I always looked for ways to make my own. Avon, slushes from home, opening a store, always something. Because I was used to being able to have my own. And being raised by a single supermom must have had more of an effect on me than I realized.
When I left that man, I had $50 a week coming in after the mortgage. Not many knew. I had helping hands. And that's one thing I am eternally grateful for, constant helping hands in different forms, and a few steadfast ones I can bet my life on.
This made my approach completely different in my next relationship. I wouldn't ask him for a shit. I would be hard down and out and never told him. A few friends were like, surprised. Attitude being, "Ain no man ga beat this up and don't get up off no cash." Seriously.
And i couldn't think that way. I tried. Sex is seen as some thing that women use as a manipulation tool. And there's always a hubbub about men being men and so macho that, apparently, as receivers we must be 'paid' and as givers they must 'pay'. Well, I get the whole treasuring myself. I truly do. But putting a dollar value on the 'treasure' seems to lessen the treasure...
Anyhow, in this relationship, I have been more independent and aggressive. I've only begun to ask for things, well, money, in the past year with no hesitancy or fear. But, common sense would say, if I am working more stable, and making more, I would foot more of the bills.
There's more for consideration though that screams double standard. He's more present with the kids. The school and ballet studio staff know him, not me. When a woman is in this role, it is ok for it to be expected that the man will take care of her, esp if she's not working or making as much. Reverse roles and we have women shrieking about men being punks and women encouraging that shit.
The scream for equality covers sex and home roles. You can't have double standards or be selective about what you want equal rights to.
Hell, if a man throws it down, and damn good, how many women are willing to 'pay' for it? If he's daddy of the year, and to kids that aren't biologically his, why is there a problem?
I know of blended families where money flows both ways and there is no fight. Gender roles aren't really 'defined' and it all works. Then there are confused chicas, screaming how they can hold it down, but pissed when a man who's interested doesn't jump to help or get that deeply involved. Or, the minute bodily fluids are exchanged, money is expected.
I see why men are baffled by us, I see why they sometimes are so stink to us and fewer and fewer want to go further than a casual roll or two.
Every woman should be able to stand on her own without a man. Emotionally and financially.
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