After some tumultuous time. An agonizing teeth pulling conversation. Screaming matches at least twice a week. Here I sit. Alone.
Feels odd. I have decided to blog tonight to capture my mindset now in comparison to when he comes back.
I thought I was looking forward to him being gone and me having a moment to assess where we're at. A moment to absorb the phone call from exC and analyze my feelings for currentC. The impact of his absence hit me like a ton of wet faeces. A sick, disgusting, suffocating feeling engulfs me. What does this mean?
*Shrug* Who knows. All I know is, this feeling for him hit me harder than expected which confirms my suspicion that I am not ready to walk away from him. Tonight is about raw emotion and thoughts emitting from my pores. Things I dare not say out loud. Even the fact that I am having the craziest panic attack. Do the long distance thing? HA!
I needed the conversation yesterday to reconfirm where I stand and who I am to him. I needed verbal security. Because to him, your word is serious. He's not perfect, and eight times out of ten, I will watch him squirm and dodge me than lie to me. Which is why I am so point blank with him. Because he knows it will be filed away for reminder purposes later. And thus, he shut down just when I was getting to the sweet part that I needed. I left it. I had to give him props for opening up to me for such a long time, and in such an impromptu way. I never judged, never squirmed, I remained quiet and even cavalier. This coaxed him on. Because I didn't finger wag and make him feel small or stupid. And I needed that to be my m.o. in order to get where I was headed.
My thoughts have consistently flipped back and forth all day and night. I cannot even begin to tap into it properly...
I am a gut wrenching wreck waiting on his phone call to say he arrived safe. And anxiety gone to bed...smt.
No comments:
Post a Comment