Lutra

I handed over my playgroup today, officially.  I knew it was gonna suck, just not how badly it would.  Faced with the actuality of a move that would make me more independent, and just handing it over.

This whole process of sloughing off dead weight, some days are marvelous, some are just downright, gimme some wine and lemme go to bed.

There was a "meeting", I don't know why we call them that, we are soooo informal, lol.  But we met at the house we often meet at, then headed over to the new space.  The space I was supposed to move into with my group, the space that it took three years to find and finally not be in someone's actual house.  This space, that is so lovely and I now must watch the landlord hand the key over - but not to me...

Hugs aplenty, and I needed every blessed one.  The joy I felt for my "replacement" was there, it truly was, it was just muffled by the screams of "What the fuck are you doing, where are you going?" It all felt so right and so upsetting at the same time.

Learning her back story later on though, that brought me to tears.  And it all made this whole thing so perfect.  The timing and the need.  Just as this playgroup "fell into my lap", it is now falling into hers.  And as one single mother to another, it couldn't have felt better.  It was a moment that reminded me, that as my heart was grieving a loss in a sense, and my head was saying this is right, my soul, sixth sense or intuition or whatever felt even more strongly I had to do this, meet her, see the place - "give her my blessing" - and now I don't regret it.  The alignment is just crazy.

It doesn't make my actual leap any easier, in a way.  I feel good that all on this side is taken care of in that regard, my babies that I have bonded with are secured. It is when I actually think about the leap, that my stomach knots up harshly and my mouth goes dry and I feel that panic.  But, every time I have felt panic, every time I have felt that fear - I have done it anyway and never regretted it...