A Couple?

I have been in an odd state of some weird denial for some time.

He and I are a couple.  I guess, the nights together should've tipped me off?  I don't know.  I find myself in a panic more and more as we move forward.  Yes, it is what I wanted, and yes I know we are creating something.  But I am blown away.  Somehow.  Some way?

I look at pictures of the ex.  And it seems like eons ago, sometimes it feels like it didn't happen.  What I fought for so hard, what I tried to work at, it breaks me to think of it as a waste of time.

And this, what I have now, is so not perfect.  But it's still good.  Cause I wasn't really looking for perfect, just something stable where both people take it serious enough to work at it.

Truth is, part of me wanted to go to the prison to see him so I can get my personal closure.  So that I can finally walk away the way I need to.  So I can look him in the eye and REMIND him that it's over.

There are references to him daily by either kid, mainly my son.  It doesn't really bother me, I am glad they know who their father is.  My daughter gave him a note that said I love you, and mummy.  Like I was an afterthought.  Too cute.  I am glad she's getting along with him.

I am not as angst ridden as I was.  I do still have one or two trust issues.  But, life is something I am taking one millisecond at a time.  I just wish words could do justice to what I feel most days...

When my friend calls and says she wants to do a couple thing next month at her house.  When we stood outside talking to his friend and friend's girlfriend.  Just oddest moments.

He still hasn't told me he loves me.  But, has told the friends by us last night in conversation, "I love her right, so..." and he finished the thought up.  I stood there, half frozen.