Work

After emerging from a relationship in which I dealt with a crackhead far longer than I should have.  I sit here facing something else.

Do I want to do the hardwork?  Do I want to put in the elbow grease needed to make this work?

How did I get here?

There is so much pain and angst and I realize that I have contributed to some of that.  I have put in my two cents.  As small as the contribution may have been, it was a crushing, unexpected blow.  And I have often questioned his position on the matter.

I get that love overcomes a lot.  But what I realize is, he is guarded and will remain so until he feels better about us.  This hurts me a bit, because, what I did back then gives me so much grief, that if he truly understood it, he wouldn't "mad" at me.

Then I wonder about my track record of not dallying around in my marriage.  Doesn't it say something that not, even for him, would I stray?  I made a commitment and I stuck to it.  Part of it I think came from guilt as well that I had actually done something like that.

His acute need for privacy is crazy.  And sometimes I call him a fugitive.

We are building, I know, and there will be bumps in the road.  It's hard to relax when I feel like I am always in "prove it" mode.  And it is not something that he's insinuated or said.  It's just guilt I guess.

His actions hurt.  I won't lie.  And I don't want him to think it a free pass as we try to get past this.  I worry that we won't.

This weekend was nice.  We didn't see each other much, which is the exact opposite that's needed to make a nice weekend.  But, somehow, it was still nice.  And our communication stepped up just a teensy bit more.

I wish my head didn't rattle.  I wish that I didn't think so hard sometimes.  I want to just enjoy each day as it comes, and when I start to, I let it get out of hand and agitating.  I guess old habits die hard...